Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
