3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
