Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
