I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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