I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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