Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
