420 ftw
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
