Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
