My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The ass gains better be worth it
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