My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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