Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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