cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
