can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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