my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
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