i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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