I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
