Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize