im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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