he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize