Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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