i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
