we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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