The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
