so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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