Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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