He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
