Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
