you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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