Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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