so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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