Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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