Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
