When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
