Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
