Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize