oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
