I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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