so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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