the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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