Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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