Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
