The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
