I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
