i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
