What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
