I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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