my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize