I wish my penis had an off switch
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
