i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
