i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
