hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
