is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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