Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
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