how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
