she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize